Rolling into 2013

A few weeks ago, the decision was made for me that I will no longer be working 9 to 5 starting January 1…without going into details of the what, why and how of the decision, the reaction to the decision was absolute, mind boggling freak out! 

What am I going to do with my days…what am I going to do…what!

For weeks I could not come up with an answer to the question and when January 1st came and went…I had the answer – I would do what I felt like. For once in my life, I could get up when I wanted, work when I wanted or just laze around, have time to live on my terms…

It is an interesting experience to have complete control of myself and my life from 9 to 5…lets see what happens

kamaal ki baat comic strip 24-8-2012

 

Love needs to be fed

I came back from Karachi to a grouchy depressed husband, who had been babysitting our boys for two days. We bickered for a few minutes till I realized he just needed a hug, a kiss, some pampering…just some laad. We have been married for 14 years and with each other for 17 and in all this while, one of the things I have realized is that you have to feed the love to keep it strong. What do I mean by that? Love is a feeling and feelings by human nature die after a while if they are not reinforced. For example, you get hurt, you feel pain, after a while if you dont get hurt again, the feeling of pain dies. 

This is true for all sorts of love, not just romantic love – the love for parents, children, friends etc etc. For most of you reading this, it is an obvious, something we all know. Of course if we dont keep loving, the love will die. But the question is how do you keep loving? or what I call feeding the love? In my experience there are some generic things you have to do, like make sure you give attention, care, more importantly show you care, respect, affection, and priority. There is alot more that I am sure that you can add to the list. Along with these, the fodder for love is knowing what brings happiness and contentment to your loved ones life and giving that to them. For my husband, it is important that I listen to him when he has something on his mind, for me my husband knows to give me time to myself every now and then, for my elder son it is actively participating in his games, for my younger son it is lots and lots of laad, for my mother its taking her to the movies, for my father it is having intellectual conversations and similarly, I know the fodder for each of my friends.

It is not easy to feed love, it takes constant and consistent effort. I dont do it for a return of the same for me. I am too selfish for that. I do it to keep the feeling of love alive in me.

Kamaal Ki Baat Comic Strip 4

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”~ Mark Twain

Every now and then we stumble upon a conversation that stays with you for life. Someone I know was sharing their thoughts about a situation and listening to the conversation I realized “I will never be someone’s ‘guilt’, my self-respect would not allow it.” Better to end such a situation than compromise on one’s self-respect. This realization got me thinking about “self-respect”  – How important is it? Do we ruin our relations and consequently our lives because of it? Is it overrated? The only answer I had to all these questions that kept popping up was ‘If I dont respect myself, no one will respect me’.

Self-respect is essential for a healthy mind and a healthy soul. Self-respect comes from an inner belief and not an egoistic feeling of superiority. I read on the internet that there are nine basic rules to achieve self-respect:

1. Be True to Yourself
2. Learn to Handle Criticism
3. Look After Your Appearance
4. Avoid Jealousy
5. Remember your Motivation, Not Results
6. Respect Others
7. Never Hate Yourself
8. Forgive
9. Be Selfless

Now that is a recipe for the perfect human being, which I will never be. Does that mean I will never have self-respect? I dont think so. For me self-respect kicks in when I start feeling bad about myself or feel used by others. For me a healthy relationship/situation is one where respect is at the core, the minute I feel that it is being compromised I am out of the door!

People or Things

Yesterday, a few of us were having a discussion on raising children and sharing notes on how we discipline them. It was a discussion I have had many times over the years. But for some reason the thought came back to me as I drove home from office. I don’t hit/smack my kids, no matter what the reason. My husband agrees with me. My reason for not hitting is that I was never hit by my parents, my husband’s reason is that he was hit all the time. My way of discipline is time out, grounding, taking away of privileges, screaming, and threats of becoming ‘Monster Mama’. My husband gives them the “look” and the calm tone – that scares me as well. It has been working so far, but the conversation yesterday got me thinking what would my kids have to do that is bad enough to hit them.

Growing up, whenever I broke something, I got hour-long lectures on being careful and how hard it is to earn money. If something broke as an accident, there was never a reprimand, always “its okay things can always be replaced.” The emphasis in my house was on relationships and behaviors – did you say Salam/khuda hafiz? did you call? did you meet? were you polite? did you enquire after their health and family? did you congratulate? did you condole? The most serious shouting I got, to date, was on misbehaving with my aunt. I remember the day like it was yesterday. My aunt was giving me a lecture on taking care of my things myself and after a while, I started crying. My father got furious as to why I threw a tantrum. Consequently, I had to apologize and my father did not speak to me for weeks. I have to say the not speaking is the absolute worse form of disciplining there is.

So back to reflecting on what would it take for me to hit my kids. As various acts of misdemeanor go back and forth in my mind, I realize that it would have to be if they in some way abused human relations – people. It can’t be about “things”. Things for me are easily replaced, but human emotions and feelings are not. I guess it is not surprising that I think this way, considering the way I was raised, or as a friend would say socialized. What ever the reason, for me people are more important that things. Everyone says that, yet I find mothers scolding and hitting children on issues around things all the time – broke a decoration piece, smashed the phone, scribbled on the walls etc. If they don’t greet someone, it’s an embarrassed smile and “s/he doesn’t listen”, “she is spoilt”. Generally, our valuables are things not people. My valuables are my people and I want to discipline my kids to learn to value their people.

I will try to never hit my kids, but I will definitely stop speaking to them if they ever do wrong with ‘people’.

kamaal ki baat comic strip 03-04-12

Work with your mind, not your heart

I have been working for the past twenty years. At age eighteen, I could not wait to start earning my own money and now at age 38, I cannot wait to stop earning my own money and live a life of “financially dependent on husband”. My darling of a husband has always encouraged me to quit my job, regardless of our financial situation. However, my father has always propogated being ‘financially independent’: “Beta, you are an only child, you have no one to fall back on if you get divorced. We will be dead soon, so you have to be ‘financially independent’.” Mashallah, he has been saying this to me for the past fifteen years and may he keep saying it for decades more. Yes, that is my reality, I have no one to fall back on, so I have plodded along working – making mistakes, gaining successes.

One of the key lessons I have learnt is not to let my heart get involved in my work. But it has a way of creeping in by stealth. So when my boss comes and tells me “hey, what made you take this decision?”, this bugger of a muscle starts hurting and generating an overdrive of emotions that choke the poor mind which is begging to provide the logic behind the decision and sort the matter out. This blob of blood filled veins and arteries swells up, sucking up all the blood and oxygen from the body, with a particular vengence from the mind, and does what all dictators do – self-rightous, emotionally charged decisions! It is a takeover that you have no control over and the after effects are disasters for all involved and long lasting.

So the key is to keep this monster out of the work place. Even as I write this, I feel there is a contradiction. Reflecting on my successes, they have all been in areas which I felt passionate about; and where there is passion there is heart. Is it possible for us to keep the passion and not get emotionally involved with our work? It has rarely been possible for me. Working is not just about doing your work, it is working with others and that is where the problem of the heart comes in the most. So I think a better advice would be to work with your heart, but work with others with your mind!

Kamaal Ki Baat Comic Strip 2

Tumka name kiya hai?

Pappa, pappee, pappu, cheena, ajji, guddu, jajoo, rukhi, choti, anno, mama, sano, aimo, kayhoo, shosho, noni, munno. and the list goes on and on and on. They are all part of my vast family after marriage. I have always found nick names fun, but in my family nick names are used only till the individual reached puberty, then everyone switched to their regular names. This phenomena does not exist in my inlaws. Nick names have overtaken the real names and become the identity, the reality. Is that a bad thing? Well lets see if they are to become the reality then why dont we just name them that. I mean Munno should be Munno, not Mohammad Manzar – I actually had to research for a whole week till i found out that munno’s real name was mohammad manzar.

By the way, this is just me talking and look at whose talking. I nick name people at a drop of a hat. My best friend is Machar, another is aashoo maashoo, my younger son is reemy, my husband is, oh well we wont go there 😉 It is my way of expressing my laad, my effection, so if I am nick naming you then please be sure, it is becasue I lurve you.

So why suddenly the talk about nick names, actually I am going to a wedding this weekend, where all of the above and more will be present. It is a full hifi, high society, who’s who kind of affair. Designer dresses, Royal Palm, Jewelry… in other words the full works. And these glamour dolls will be called pappa, pappee, pappu, cheena, mama, munni, mano…and the swaggering hunks will be called guddu, munno, noni, babo…Is that even allowed in this kind of affair? will they for this occaision use their real names? or change them for the occiasion? or do what most of the society does – acronyms, the all famous Allah Ditta called AD being a classic, or stick to calling each other sweety and jaan, yaar and boss.

Would I mind if on an occaision like, this someone called me amo or pichkee? No, I wont. I am not just Amena, I am not just Amo, I am not just pickee and I am not just Tutu banana (my latest nick name as given by my younger son). I am all of the above. Each name given me, gives dimension to my personality. They describe what I mean to others. While they describe me they reflect how others feel about me. My nick names complete me, filling in the gaps left by just Amena Aly Kamaal. So while the others revert to sweety and darling, I am happy to stay amz in that wedding.